It’s the year end post I always only write in my head.

Honestly, I’ve read so many “Peace out, 2012. What up, 2013?” posts at this point that I have no idea what to say in my own.

I can’t tell you how many times I talked about the days, weeks, and months going by too quickly over the course of the last year. But now, looking back, January 1, 2012 seems a world away.

It’s funny that I’d think that this year, of all years, when it’s the first time since 2007 that I’m celebrating a new year living in the same residence as I did the new year before. The top of 2011 was wildly different from the beginning of 2012 in the most obvious of ways, but this year still seems more significant. On the outside, I live in the same place with the same people and I still have the same jobs; the differences between last year at this time and now are largely internal, and being the introvert that I am (YES. REALLY. I AM.), I could ruminate on them for hours.

Don’t worry. I’ll spare you.

I don’t know if the way I feel is indicative of the events of the past year, or if it has more to do with the fact that I’m turning 30 in a few short months. Reliable sources have told me that 29 into 30 was pretty damn impressive, so I’m rolling with that. I guess if I could sum it up in a word it would be “confidence”- not the loud, braggy kind, but the quiet certainty that comes with being comfortable in one’s skin and feeling ownership of one’s choices. It’s not perfect, and it’s not constant, but it’s there.

Last year when the whole internet was choosing a word for the upcoming year I went with “begin”. Meaning STOP THINKING ABOUT IT AND JUST EFFING DO IT ALREADY WHO CARES IF YOU KNOW WHERE TO GO OR HOW TO GET THERE JUST SHUT UP AND START GOING YOU’LL FIGURE IT OUT. (Much like this post!) It’s what led me to diving back into old things (like dancing and painting again), trying new things (like CrossFit and rappelling down a building), writing more, and breaking my own heart. Everything I just listed was scary to some degree, but the “what’s the worst that could happen?” philosophy really saw me through.

This year, I think I’m going with “commit”. Meaning IF YOU LOVE THAT THEN GIVE A PIECE OF YOURSELF (OR  EVERYTHING) TO IT AND REALLY EFFING TRY AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS IF IT ALL GOES TO HELL THEN AT LEAST YOU TRIED SO WHAT IF IT HURTS YOU WILL SURVIVE. Maybe “balls to the wall” would be a more accurate representation of that theme, but it’s a word we’re looking for, not a phrase, and “commit” is just classier. And lord knows I keep it klassy. (sip of YTS)

I’m feeling like I’m in a really good place to make commitments, and I can attribute that to the people I’m fortunate enough have in my life. This year I learned that what I really value in my most intimate relationships (in addition to honesty) is the permission to fail. The space to all out fall flat on my face and still feel just as loved as I did before everything went SPLAT and I started crying on a shoulder/into a glass of Jameson. And a couple of those people I either didn’t know at all or weren’t playing that role in my life a year ago- which is totally mind blowing to me. LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR DRUNK TEXTS AT MIDNIGHT, FOLKS. Thank you for listening to me ramble about the same thing for the 16,000th time, buying the strongest drinks, sending thoughtful emails and texts, giving the best hugs, turning a blind eye to my ugly cry, never telling me you told me so, and simply showing up. You’re the best, and I commit to being the same for you as we move forward.

OK. I’m getting a little emotional, and I have a party to get to. I love your faces. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

 

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